Tough topics: How to deal with little liars, and with adults





Introduction: ‘Johny, Johny, yes daddy…telling lies, no daddy’ is typically the first nursery rhyme children are taught at home and at school. Sugar thief Johnny becomes the example of lying and parents continue to remind children that honesty is the best policy. But children still lie. And sometimes they also catch parents lying (remember that time you told your boss you were late because you were stuck in traffic?) Child and youth psychologist Nishtha Grover tells us how parents can honestly navigate this minefield
As told


Neha Bhayana


If you were to ask parents to list the values ​​they want to instill in their children, honesty would definitely be at the top of that list. This is why parents often feel very upset when their children lie, whether they are innocent lies or elaborate fabrications. As adults we often rationalize lying, but when children do it, it scares us as they grow up to define their own moral compass. As a child psychologist, I often encounter parents who are stressed about how to help their children follow the right path.
To help your child, you first need to understand why children lie and why this is normal. In fact, lying is a developmental milestone. Around the age of two or three, children realize that parents are not mind readers, so they can say things that are not true without the parent knowing. It’s normal for them to test the waters afterward. Little ones may lie to get attention (“I saw a dog flying”) and children over the age of five may lie to avoid punishment or to gain approval (“I finished homework”). If your child comes to you and says I didn’t get any homework today, chances are they just want more time to play or mess around.
Pre-teens begin to have better cognitive function and understand that they can get in trouble for their actions, which can cause shame and guilt. They may lie to avoid punishment or to protect themselves from feelings of shame. This is especially common when they feel like they have done something wrong but fear a negative reaction from their parents. Once they become teenagers, their behavior is also strongly influenced by their peers and friends. They may exaggerate their achievements in front of their friends or the opposite sex to appear cool and hide their discoveries from their parents to avoid judgment.


What should you do if your child lies?


In Indian families, elders tend to react strongly to lies by shaming the child for being a naughty boy or girl. This does not help solve the problem and may even cause the child to hide his behavior in the future. Keep the following in mind:


Keep Calm:


It is normal to feel disappointed and even shocked when you realize that your child has lied. But your response will determine what happens next time in a similar situation, so stay quiet and process your thoughts before responding.


Don’t dramatize:


It is not wise to overreact, calling your child a ‘bad boy’ or ‘bad girl’ and shouting, “Is this what I taught you?” or “You failed me.” It takes time for children to understand what is good and what is not, so don’t be quick to judge, label and make grand statements. A calm and understanding approach can reduce the fear and shame that often leads to more lying. Focus on teaching the child instead of blaming and guilting them. Instead, be understanding and say something like, “My feelings of love and support for you will not diminish even if you decide to tell me the truth. I may feel upset for a moment, but I know you may have a reason behind the lie and I would like to know it.


Find the cause:


Ask open-ended questions such as, “Why did you feel you had to say that?” or “What did you hope would happen if you told that story?” Understanding the underlying motivation can help you manage the behavior.


Not all lies are the same:


It is essential that you determine what type of lie your child has told so that you can respond accordingly. If your child simply exaggerated to make the story more interesting or get attention (“My school looked like fairyland today”) or told a white lie to protect someone’s feelings (“I like the sweater, Grandma” ), then it is very different from telling a serious lie intended to deceive for personal gain (“I didn’t lose my tiffin box, Riya stole it”). Not all lies carry equal weight, and parents have discretion in deciding how to respond based on the situation. They can tell a child that sometimes it’s okay to tell a white lie to avoid escalating a situation (for example, saying, “I’m fine” instead of arguing). This does not mean you encourage lying. You simply create a safe space where your child can come to you and confide in you.



Representative image


Praise the confession:


If the child has admitted to lying, appreciate it. It’s not easy to come out clean, so no matter how you feel about the lie, tell her you’re glad she was honest with you. This will encourage the child to remain honest in the future. Reinforcing the idea that honesty is the right thing to do helps build trust and character.


No public expression of anger:


If you feel like your child is lying to impress, don’t betray him publicly. Take them aside and ask, “Did you do this so you could feel like you were part of the group?” and encourage the child to find his own tribe, where he is accepted for who he is and does not feel obliged to make up stories.


Create a code:


Laura Berka famous developmental psychologist suggested creating a special signal for your child (it can be any word like bubble or sparkle), which means the child wants you to hear it completely without interrupting or judging. For example, if the parent asks the child about homework and the child says “bubble,” the parent knows that the child wants to tell the truth, but wants you to understand that they did not do any homework because they were wasting time while playing. the eye is lost. These signals become even more useful when the child becomes teenagers and wants a space to discuss their adventures.


Reward honesty:


Don’t punish your child for lying. Research has shown that punishment teaches children to lie better, not less. If you consistently reward children for honesty (think: ten extra minutes of TV or bath time), your child is less likely to lie as he gets older. So the next time your little one breaks a vase with her soccer ball and runs off to tell you about it, don’t scream. Tell her it’s okay and ask her to be more careful next time.


Seek help:


If your child consistently lies or shows signs of fear or anxiety, see a child psychologist. Sometimes children keep secrets about serious things (if they are being abused or bullied) because they fear they will be punished if they tell.


What to do if your child catches you lying?


A parent recently approached me with a difficult situation. Her child had heard her tell her boss that she was sick and needed a day off. The child had shouted, “Liar, liar, pants on fire” and became very angry with her. If you’ve learned the honesty lesson, chances are you’ve faced a similar situation.
It is understandable that children become confused when they see their parents lying. They may start to doubt what they have learned. For example, a parent may have lied about facing a financial crisis to protect the child from stress, or may have neglected to mention that he was going for ice cream after the child was asleep to avoid a scene. Although these lies are generally harmless in nature, they can backfire if a child discovers the truth. The child may feel betrayed, face a moral dilemma, or no longer trust the parent.
It is important to acknowledge and accept that you lied, and that was not okay. Don’t try to downplay the situation by saying, “He deserved that lie” or “You’re a child, don’t ask me questions.” Instead, explain why you lied to your boss about your illness, but add that you know what you did was wrong and that you feel guilty for not telling the truth. Remember, you may want your child to think you are perfect, but it is better for your child to know that you are a normal person who can make mistakes and that you too sometimes struggle to do the right thing.


Blurred:


Don’t punish your child for lying. Research has shown that punishment teaches children to lie better, not less. If you consistently reward your child for his or her honesty, he or she will be less likely to lie as he or she grows older. So the next time your little one breaks a vase with her soccer ball and runs over to tell you, don’t scream



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